A Heavenly/Divine Customer Service Survey

A Heavenly/Divine Customer Service Survey

Dear Customer:

Your deity thanks you most sincerely for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, (S)He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions:

1. How did you find out about your deity?

__ Newspaper

__ Bible

__ Torah

__ Koran

__ Television

__ Bhagavad Gita

__ Book of Mormon

__ Divine Inspiration

__ Cindy Crawford

__ Dead Sea Scrolls

__ Near Death Experience

__ Near Life Experience

__ National Public Radio

__ Tabloid

__ Burning Shrubbery

__ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model deity did you acquire? (Check one only)

__ Allah

__ Jehovah

__ Jesus and/or Christ

__ Rama or Krishna

__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]

__ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]

__ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]

__ Cindy Crawford

__ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature

__ None of the above, since I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

(Check one only)

__ Yes

__ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. (Check all that apply)

__ Not eternal

__ Not omniscient

__ Not omnipotent

__ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)

__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos

__ Permits sex outside of marriage

__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage

__ Makes some mistakes

__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people

__ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people

__ Looks after life other than that on Earth

__ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched

__ Does not supply Cindy Crawford

__ Requires burnt offerings

__ Requires virgin sacrifices

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? (Check all that apply)

__ Indoctrinated by parents

__ Needed a reason to live

__ Indoctrinated by society

__ Needed focus in whom to despise

__ Needed focus in whom to love

__ Imaginary friend grew up

__ Hate to think for myself

__ Wanted to meet girls/boys in church

__ Fear of death

__ Wanted to piss off parents

__ Wanted to please parents

__ Needed a day away from school or work

__ Desperate need for certainty

__ Cindy Crawford's tits

__ Like organ music

__ Need to feel morally superior

__ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool

__ Thought there had to be something other than Jerry Falwell

__ Huge meteors were falling out of the sky

__ My bushes caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? (Check one only)

__ Yes

__ No

If yes, which false god were you fooled by? (Check all that apply)

__ The Love of Money

__ Left Wing Liberalism

__ Amon Ra

__ Bill Gates

__ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur

__ The Great Spirit

__ The Great Pumpkin

__ Christie Brinkley

__ The Sun

__ The Moon

__ The Force

__ Left Wing Liberalism

__ Cindy Crawford

__ Cindy Crawford's tits

__ The love of Cindy Crawford's tits

__ Elvis

__ A burning bush

__ Psychiatry

__ The Source

__ The Shopping Channel

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? (Check all that apply)

__ Tarot

__ Lottery

__ Astrology

__ Television

__ Fortune cookies

__ Ann Landers

__ Psychic Friends Network

__ Dianetics

__ Palmistry

__ Cindy Crawford's tits

__ Playboy and/or Playgirl

__ Self-help books

__ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll

__ Alcohol

__ Marijuana

__ Tea Leaves

__ EST

__ Amway

__ Jimmy Swaggert

__ Crystals

__ Human sacrifice

__ Pyramids

__ Wandering around a desert

__ Insurance policies

__ Burning shrubbery

__ The Shopping Channel

7. God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? (Check one only)

__ More Divine Intervention

__ Less Divine Intervention

__ Current level of Divine Intervention is just right

__ Cindy Crawford

__ The Shopping Channel

__ Don't know.

__ What's Divine Intervention?

8. God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1-5 your opinion of the handling of the following (1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):

a. Disasters:

1 2 3 4 5 Flood

1 2 3 4 5 Famine

1 2 3 4 5 Earthquake

1 2 3 4 5 War & holocausts

1 2 3 4 5 Pestilence

1 2 3 4 5 Plague

1 2 3 4 5 Spam

1 2 3 4 5 AOL

1 2 3 4 5 The lack of Cindy Crawford

b. Miracles:

1 2 3 4 5 Rescues

1 2 3 4 5 Spontaneous remissions

1 2 3 4 5 Stars hovering over tiny towns & previously unknown hamlets

1 2 3 4 5 Crying statues

1 2 3 4 5 Water changing to wine

1 2 3 4 5 Walking on water

1 2 3 4 5 Coincidence of any sort

1 2 3 4 5 Getting any sex whatsoever

1 2 3 4 5 Getting Cindy Crawford

9. From time to time God reputedly makes available the names and addresses of Her/His followers and devotees to selected reputedly divine personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions in His behalf. Are you interested in a compilation of listed offerings?

__ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my own

mortal soul

__ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamoring for my

money.

__ Just send Cindy Crawford.

10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Please attach additional sheets if necessary.)