Sartan on Ritual

Sartan

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On Rituals Generally

I define a ritual as any formalized action or set of actions, repeated in a specific and structured way. In my relationship (one of ownership), I see rituals as a tool with two distinct purposes - modification and maintenance.

First, the repetitive, ingraining nature of ritualized behavior can drive changes in beliefs. By repeating the same thing regularly, it becomes habit, sinking deeper into the self-conscious as something normal. This is a very useful pattern. Appropriate rituals performed regularly actually change a person's beliefs, therefore changing their self-image, thoughts, and behavior. The keys are solid anticipation of the thoughts/feelings a ritual will generate and those required for a desired result.

Second, in an ownership relationship that ownership must be maintained in a number of ways. As a pervasive dynamic, the power imbalance will naturally manifest in many ways throughout "normal" life. However, much of this becomes rote and less apparent. A ritual basically creates notice of the obvious. It causes a comfortable, noticeable reminder of the power imbalance and reinforces the beliefs that create that imbalance in the first place.

So what makes for a good ritual? An exactly repeatable structure (basically a script) is required. It also helps to keep it simple, using relatively few words and acts. A ritual should have a definite beginning and end. Finally, I think the best rituals have a direct link to events€Ś walking into a room, going to bed, eating a meal. Finally, there should be purpose. Whether the submissive is aware of it or not, the dominant should have an objective in a ritual.

My advice is to limit the ritualized behaviors in your relationship. Too much ritual becomes difficult to remember, limits what might otherwise be spontaneous, and generally becomes a burden. During the building stages of a relationship, ritual is particularly valuable. In my own relationship, however, I've reduced the number of rituals (and rules) over time.

Going to Bed, a Ritual

I have maintained a simple ritual through most of my relationship, enacted each night before going to bed. Jenni kneels naked at the foot of my bed. I invade "her" (my ;) space, and hold her head close to my legs. I step back and she kisses each foot in turn before bowing her head all the way to the floor. She remains in this position until told to kneel, during which I might just stand there, run my hand on the body or hair, or place my foot on her back. For the first year or so, I would only stand (that exactly repeatable structure). After the instruction, Jenni kneels and I tell her where she sleeps that night.

Last update April 10, 2001